There are those times when things happen so swiftly and unexpectedly that balance is lost, regained, tipped again and finally retrieved. There was a sudden death and a joyous wedding and within one week I flew to the East Coast to sift through my sister’s belongings and then to Hawaii to celebrate in the sun. When I returned to California I launched back into work and friendships and life without allowing myself time to rest.
But this week I realized that sometimes it’s all right to forget about obligation and promises to others. Sometimes it’s all right to relinquish urgency and to set aside – at least temporarily – the goals and plans and lists. At the end of the day, does any of it matter?
My sister and I were not close and that has made her passing more difficult. We sucked at being siblings and I fell short in my immediate care for her memory after she died. I don’t want to turn her into a martyr. She was an angry and bitter woman. I think it’s possible she had a right to be. There’s nothing I can do about the abuse she accepted and the hurt she caused. All I can do is tell her story.
Maybe I will.
The world is full of beautiful and dark and amazing chaos. And then there are flowers: