I have a thing about the New Year. I love it. Not the celebration, not the wild merriment. I love it for being a time of reflection, a time to plan. A time to hope.
Twelve months ago I sat with a friend and together we charted our paths for the year that would be 2009. Last night I sat with her again. We looked back, congratulated ourselves for our successes, mourned our failures and then raised a joyous glass to the next twelve months.
This wasn’t an easy year. It was a year of hard, nose to the grindstone work. It was a year where it seemed every few weeks another friend or acquaintance was passing on. Still, there was growth in a ‘three steps forward, one step back’ sort of way.
One of my goals for 2009 was to attend Paul Grilley’s Yin Yoga Teacher’s Training Program in Soquel, California. But fear stopped me before I could even print the application form. I didn’t trust my old car – or my driving skills – to take me over the Santa Cruz Mountains. I didn’t trust my yoga skills. What if everyone was better than me? I didn’t trust my ambition. No matter how much I love Yin Yoga now – what if it’s simply a passing fancy? Most of all, I didn’t trust my ability to finance the course and the subsequent costs including two weeks of lost income. What if I spent thousands of dollars and then discovered that all my other fears were true?
Twelve months later and I have a car that I trust and my confidence as a driver is improving. I have renewed faith in my skills as a yoga student and a yoga teacher. I still incorporate a Yin approach to my classes – I know it still resonates. But The Big Fear – the financial obstacle – seems so big and unwieldy I don’t know how to control it.
But I have an idea. I think I need to recognize fear for what it is – too much time spent thinking about a past that has already happened and a future I have no control over. If I turn my thoughts to this moment, all I really have is trust. Trust that this is the right decision. Trust that this will strengthen my skills, deepen my practice and benefit my students. I trust my classes won’t dry up and my private clients won’t disappear when I do for fourteen days in August. Trust that there is a bigger plan that I’m not really privy to.
The truth is – I have to do this. The training has been sitting in my heart for almost two years – almost to the day I walked into my first Yin class and recognized home. So I’ve printed the application. In the next few days I’ll send my deposit. It’s all going to be all right.
I wish everyone Faith, Trust and Fearlessness throughout the coming year.